- 20 Aug 2007 01:41
#1299729
I wrote this over a year ago, but it still could be ripped from today's headlines...
***
Homeland Security to Defend Against Bird Flu
Department Seeks to Activate and Mobilize ‘Avian Defense Agency'
By AUGHT SIX, Independent-Whig-Democrat-Times Reporter
Secretary Chertoff addresses reporters at a press conference in Washington on Wednesday
WASHINGTON – Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced Wednesday that he is seeking to form a new agency within his department solely tasked with preventing a national flu epidemic.
“Due to the looming threat of a global avian flu pandemic, the Department of Homeland Security must bolster our defenses within the United States,†Chertoff told reporters.
“To accomplish this goal, I have asked Congress to approve the creation of a new agency under the Homeland Security Department umbrella—the Avian Defense Agency, or ADA.â€
Although most details of the ADA remain classified, Chertoff said the proposal includes plans to deputize as many as 50,000 hunters to man avian security checkpoints along the country’s 7,220 miles of borders, including those of Alaska and Hawaii.
“For centuries America’s sportsmen have answered the call to defend our great nation from countless enemies, both foreign and domestic. With their help, we can and will protect the homeland from all foreign bird flu threats,†Chertoff added.
The proposal requests initial funding of $182.4 billion to train, activate, and equip 25,000 hunters by January 1, 2007. Much of the money would be earmarked to purchase shotguns, ammunition, and cheap domestic beer. Additional funds would be used by 2008 to build a network of shooting blinds situated every 250 yards along the entire length of the United States border.
The agency would also commission a fleet of at least 1,000 vessels to patrol waterways around the nation’s borders. The armada would include rubber dinghies, flat-bottom duck boats, and at least three Gander class destroyers. The destroyers are outfitted with the latest anti-avian weapons technology, including radar systems that can track birds as small as a titmouse, and the brand new Mallard Missile Battery, or MMB-1.
“The fowl won’t even know what hit them,†Chertoff said. “These systems are so new and advanced that even the U.S. Navy doesn’t have anything close.â€
“In a way, I truly feel sorry for the millions of birds we expect to shoot down in the combat zone,†he admitted after a pause. “However, it is important to remember that none of the animals are United States citizens, and that they could unknowingly kill off millions of us who are.â€
Avian Defense Agent Lester Shifflett mans his post along the U.S./Canadian border
President Bush lauded Chertoff’s efforts.
“It is clear that Mike is a man who understands the seriousness of the avian flu danger,†Bush was quoted as saying. “I ask Congress to give him their full consideration and approve the Homeland Security Department’s proposal.â€
Duck hunter Lester Shifflett, 35, was among a small group of personnel already deputized under a pilot program launched by the Homeland Security Department in August.
“I was thinking about leaving my job at Tobacco Shack anyway, so when a couple of Homeland Security agents came into town asking folks to interview for a job with the ADA, I jumped at the chance,†Shifflett said. “I’ve waited my whole to life for the government to pay me to kill ducks. It feels great to shoot birds down in the name of national defense.â€
Several thousand hunters have already submitted their resumes to the department, hoping to be among the first class of recruits deputized once the agency receives congressional approval. Word of the proposal spread quickly among Internet hunting chat rooms and message boards.
ADA hopeful Randy Deane leaves for Washington to submit his application in person
Justin Butz, a forum administrator at HuntingNet.com, told the reporter that site traffic has increased 127% since hunters first received news of Chertoff’s press conference.
“These folks are going crazy over the chance to shoot things on the federal payroll,†Butz explained. “Just yesterday we had 2,309 new members in the Waterfowl Hunting Forum, nearly all of them hoping to find more news of the ADA and its job openings. Some of them are so excited with anticipation that they accidentally blew holes through their walls while cleaning their shotguns.â€
Most members of Congress are supporting the ADA proposal, leading political analysts to anticipate a quick and easy passage.
Actor, comedian, and political propagandist Al Franken said on his daily radio program Wednesday, "Once again, the forces of conservatism have used their corporate influence to expand the Republican apparatus of fear and oppression in America. We are now weeks away from witnessing the 21st century version of the Brownshirts. I hope you’re happy, Mr. Secretary."
Senator John Kerry (D-MA), a lifelong sportsman, stated that the country needs an organization like the ADA. During a press conference Wednesday aboard his luxury yacht in Boston, he applauded our nation’s hunters.
“Duck and goose hunters around America are our best defense against avian flu. As a younger man I sat among them in our country’s hunting blinds, valiantly protecting this great nation of ours,†Kerry was quoted as saying.
Kerry later admitted that he would attempt to amend the bill to prohibit ADA personnel from using privately-owned firearms while on duty. He went on to say that “your average American doesn’t possess the sense of responsibility necessary to own a firearm anyway.â€
However, Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) made it clear that he would unilaterally oppose the creation of ADA.
“This is a travesty of justice, the using of federal tax dollars to fund some kind of redneck hunting club,†Kennedy said. “I propose placing tubs of gin near ponds and lakes to intoxicate incoming birds. Then, with the help of the Environmental Protection Agency, as well as the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, we will capture and ship the birds to Canada for humane adoption.â€
Secretary Chertoff, when asked to comment on Senator Kennedy’s statement, shook his head and said, “With all due respect, it sounds as though the distinguished Senator has spent a little too much time at the lake himself.â€
###
AUGHT SIX has reported on issues affecting the United States for over 17 hours.
Copyright © 2006 AUGHT SIX. All rights reserved. The information contained in this report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without prior written permission.
***
Homeland Security to Defend Against Bird Flu
Department Seeks to Activate and Mobilize ‘Avian Defense Agency'
By AUGHT SIX, Independent-Whig-Democrat-Times Reporter
Secretary Chertoff addresses reporters at a press conference in Washington on Wednesday
WASHINGTON – Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced Wednesday that he is seeking to form a new agency within his department solely tasked with preventing a national flu epidemic.
“Due to the looming threat of a global avian flu pandemic, the Department of Homeland Security must bolster our defenses within the United States,†Chertoff told reporters.
“To accomplish this goal, I have asked Congress to approve the creation of a new agency under the Homeland Security Department umbrella—the Avian Defense Agency, or ADA.â€
Although most details of the ADA remain classified, Chertoff said the proposal includes plans to deputize as many as 50,000 hunters to man avian security checkpoints along the country’s 7,220 miles of borders, including those of Alaska and Hawaii.
“For centuries America’s sportsmen have answered the call to defend our great nation from countless enemies, both foreign and domestic. With their help, we can and will protect the homeland from all foreign bird flu threats,†Chertoff added.
The proposal requests initial funding of $182.4 billion to train, activate, and equip 25,000 hunters by January 1, 2007. Much of the money would be earmarked to purchase shotguns, ammunition, and cheap domestic beer. Additional funds would be used by 2008 to build a network of shooting blinds situated every 250 yards along the entire length of the United States border.
The agency would also commission a fleet of at least 1,000 vessels to patrol waterways around the nation’s borders. The armada would include rubber dinghies, flat-bottom duck boats, and at least three Gander class destroyers. The destroyers are outfitted with the latest anti-avian weapons technology, including radar systems that can track birds as small as a titmouse, and the brand new Mallard Missile Battery, or MMB-1.
“The fowl won’t even know what hit them,†Chertoff said. “These systems are so new and advanced that even the U.S. Navy doesn’t have anything close.â€
“In a way, I truly feel sorry for the millions of birds we expect to shoot down in the combat zone,†he admitted after a pause. “However, it is important to remember that none of the animals are United States citizens, and that they could unknowingly kill off millions of us who are.â€
Avian Defense Agent Lester Shifflett mans his post along the U.S./Canadian border
President Bush lauded Chertoff’s efforts.
“It is clear that Mike is a man who understands the seriousness of the avian flu danger,†Bush was quoted as saying. “I ask Congress to give him their full consideration and approve the Homeland Security Department’s proposal.â€
Duck hunter Lester Shifflett, 35, was among a small group of personnel already deputized under a pilot program launched by the Homeland Security Department in August.
“I was thinking about leaving my job at Tobacco Shack anyway, so when a couple of Homeland Security agents came into town asking folks to interview for a job with the ADA, I jumped at the chance,†Shifflett said. “I’ve waited my whole to life for the government to pay me to kill ducks. It feels great to shoot birds down in the name of national defense.â€
Several thousand hunters have already submitted their resumes to the department, hoping to be among the first class of recruits deputized once the agency receives congressional approval. Word of the proposal spread quickly among Internet hunting chat rooms and message boards.
ADA hopeful Randy Deane leaves for Washington to submit his application in person
Justin Butz, a forum administrator at HuntingNet.com, told the reporter that site traffic has increased 127% since hunters first received news of Chertoff’s press conference.
“These folks are going crazy over the chance to shoot things on the federal payroll,†Butz explained. “Just yesterday we had 2,309 new members in the Waterfowl Hunting Forum, nearly all of them hoping to find more news of the ADA and its job openings. Some of them are so excited with anticipation that they accidentally blew holes through their walls while cleaning their shotguns.â€
Most members of Congress are supporting the ADA proposal, leading political analysts to anticipate a quick and easy passage.
Actor, comedian, and political propagandist Al Franken said on his daily radio program Wednesday, "Once again, the forces of conservatism have used their corporate influence to expand the Republican apparatus of fear and oppression in America. We are now weeks away from witnessing the 21st century version of the Brownshirts. I hope you’re happy, Mr. Secretary."
Senator John Kerry (D-MA), a lifelong sportsman, stated that the country needs an organization like the ADA. During a press conference Wednesday aboard his luxury yacht in Boston, he applauded our nation’s hunters.
“Duck and goose hunters around America are our best defense against avian flu. As a younger man I sat among them in our country’s hunting blinds, valiantly protecting this great nation of ours,†Kerry was quoted as saying.
Kerry later admitted that he would attempt to amend the bill to prohibit ADA personnel from using privately-owned firearms while on duty. He went on to say that “your average American doesn’t possess the sense of responsibility necessary to own a firearm anyway.â€
However, Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) made it clear that he would unilaterally oppose the creation of ADA.
“This is a travesty of justice, the using of federal tax dollars to fund some kind of redneck hunting club,†Kennedy said. “I propose placing tubs of gin near ponds and lakes to intoxicate incoming birds. Then, with the help of the Environmental Protection Agency, as well as the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, we will capture and ship the birds to Canada for humane adoption.â€
Secretary Chertoff, when asked to comment on Senator Kennedy’s statement, shook his head and said, “With all due respect, it sounds as though the distinguished Senator has spent a little too much time at the lake himself.â€
###
AUGHT SIX has reported on issues affecting the United States for over 17 hours.
Copyright © 2006 AUGHT SIX. All rights reserved. The information contained in this report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without prior written permission.
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