@Political Interest , thank you for your reply! I must tell you that this is entirely in keeping with the problems and issues that Ilyin and many others have debated and discussed over the years. You said;
My biggest problems are not the physical sins, although I have these in great multitude but I worry about my sincerity.
Those more spiritually aware than I have ever been or hope to be, have said that the struggle spiritually is such that the slightest awareness that one is struggling-even if one fails and gets right back up only to fall down again, and so on-is a sign that one is spiritually alive and not dead.
As I've said before, I don't think a lot of my political beliefs are compatible with my religious ones.
When I first came here, I was a reactionary monarchist and traditional roman catholic, and I had a true desire to at least hope for a return to the social and political order of the Middle Ages. But I was not alive spiritually. Now I am an Orthodox Christian, and my political and socio-economic ideals in recent years have been quite Socialist in practical terms. Now... They are changing into something else, something I'm not quite sure of just yet, but surely modified by recent events no doubt. You might say that I've noticed things in recent months that I had not perceived before in my life.
I have a feeling as modernity resolves itself into it's next phase as it is presently doing, my worldview will be more in sync internally and externally, politically/temporally and spiritually, along with many millions of other people's.
When I conduct introspection I still feel the temptation of these incompatible beliefs and ideas. It makes me wonder how sick I am that I cannot properly repent. I always doubt my sincerity.
The truly unrepentant are incapable of such introspection. They find themselves in a kind of false and horrific ''peace'' that all but buries doubts about what they are doing or failing to do in regards to the promptings of their conscience.
Is this type of critique a pronounced current in Russia?
It was at one time. The modern world being what it is, many are focused on simple survival. And that is actually a kind of strong wisdom in itself. My times there I find difficult to describe, except that there I had finally begun to understand the world as it truly is, not as I would necessarily imagine it to be. And this is something that is not easy for an American of my age and background to accept or embrace.
I would like to know more about the Old Believers.
They are simply as Russian Orthodox Christians were from the beginning in 988 AD with the baptism of Holy Rus, carrying on the traditions and way of life of their ancestors in a modern age as it was before the split in 1666 AD, in the face of centuries of savage persecution since then. This is a fairly good article on them, with links;
https://orthodoxwiki.org/Old_BelieversAnd this particular group;
http://rpsc.ru/http://en.rpsc.ru/I am deeply sympathetic to them and have a familial connection as well, know a few personally. I have been thinking for some time of learning more and following their way of Christian life, if God so directs me. It will in any case involve a change of perspective in many ways.