The Rt Hon.
David "Dave" RÇ«gnvaldr RagnargrÃmsson (June 22, 1950) is a Pofoese politician and industrialist. He is currently the Governor of the Pofoese state of BifrÇ«st, founder and leader of the national-conservative party the Pan-National League, and the founder and non-executive chairman of the major shipbuilding and industrial concern Drakkar Industri. He led a private invasion of Equatorial Guinea in 1979, which he ruled until 2006, when he sold the country to PoFonMobil for an estimated $100bn. He previously led BifrÇ«st to victory over Poforike during the Jomskrieg in 1985, resulting in BifrÇ«st's successful secession from Poforike. Dave largely organized the demonstrations of 2003, where he gladly participated with the communists, which led to the mutiny of the Poforikeska Army and the toppling of dictatorial regime. He is the founder and current leader of Poforikeska Ãsatrúarfélagið ("Pofo Realm's Fellowship of Æsir Faith").
Dave is controversial within Poforike and abroad for his racialist scholarship and comments which have been widely perceived as racist, xenophobic, Islamophobic, anti-semitic, and misogynistic. He is further notorious for his serial drinking and driving, which he has famously described as, "Symbolic of man's triumph over nature."
However, Dave has also drawn praise for being eminently fair and generous in his dealings, and even his most ardent opponents begrudingly respect him and admit that he is likeable. As the dictator of Equatorial Guinea, Dave successfully industrialized and modernized the desperately poor African country (see section Eugenics Controversy), bringing the highest quality of life anywhere in Africa. After leading Bifrǫst to independence from Poforike, Dave tirelessly supported dissidents across the political spectrum in Poforike, and despite leading the military forces which captured the capital Rävsborg Dave refused to install himself as dictator, instead soliciting a Nordic Council Trusteeship until free and fair elections could be organized.
FamilyDave was born to Harald RagnargrÃmsson and Agnes, née Blóðøx. Harald was an infantry officer in the Second World War, who was decorated with the Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross for his bravery. After the war Harald inherited his family farm, which he grew wealthy from due to a successful hybridization of sump weed and quinoa, producing miracle crop known as sumpoa. Today eggoa is Poforike's largest agricultural export. Agnes came from a prominent family of scholars which claimed descent from the 10th century figure Eirik Blóðøx (or Eric Bloodaxe). The couple have a happy marriage which produced four children.
Early LifeDave was born on his family's farm in Bifrǫst, the second of four children. He was known as an atletic, precocious child, but one who was also insufferable and had serious discipline problems. In school he tended to excel in extracurricular activities, especially athletic ones, but frequently skipped classes and earned very poor marks. He eventually dropped out of high school and became a deep sea salvage diver.
Business CareerDuring the Yom Kippur war, Dave predicted that OPEC would embargo the West over its support for Israel, sending world energy prices soaring. Borrowing $100,000 through family connections, he invested in risky stock options on many small oil companies in Poforike. The bet paid off as the Energy Crisis hit, and a series of leveraged positions on top of that turn Dave into a very wealthy man in 1973. Seeking to capitalize on his newfound wealth, Dave started the shipbuilding firm Drakkar Industri.
Dave started Drakkar Industri because he believed that there were great profits to be made through the development of far more energy efficient shipping. Dave's vision for achieving this was the resurrection of sail power in combination with lighter, more hydrodynamic hulls. Dave designed a mechanized sail rigging system using light-weight aramid fiber sails, as well as innovative kite parasails which captured wind between 50-200 meters above the vessel. He introduced the trimaran hull for commercial shipping as well, and later on the M Hull. Further weight savings were realized through a proprietary technique called "clinker welding", inspired by the building of Viking longships, which also greatly cut labor time.
Drakkar Industri rapidly expanded throughout the 1970s and became the world's largest shipbuilder by 1983. Its success inspired a host of imitators in Poforike, propelling Poforike past Japan as the world's largest shipbuilder. While lately South Korean and Chinese competition has been stiff, Drakkar Industri remains the world's largest and most profitable shipbuilder, and Poforike remains the world's largest shipbuilding nation. It is the only major manufacturing industry in which Poforike is a world leader.
The wealth from Drakkar Industri allowed Dave to invade Equatorial Guinea, making him one of the world's wealthiest men (the true extent of Dave's wealth is a closely guarded secret). Dave has subsequently built substantial stakes throughout the world in banking, oil, and real estate. Dave foresaw the recent financial crisis and made his bets accordingly, which has increased his wealth and prestige further. He took a major stake many American subprime mortgage brokers in mid-2008, which has resulted in him receiving enormous sums of bailout money from the United States' Troubled Asset Relief Program. This has made him the focus of intense scrutiny by American Congressman Barney Frank, who attacked Dave as the worst sort of profiteer, and by American journalist Lou Dobbs, who has accused Dave of sucking the blood out of the American people for personal gain.
Due to his burgeoning political career, Dave has retired from daily operations at Drakkar Industri, but remains non-executive chairman.
Conquest of Equatorial GuineaUpon reading geological reports indicating substantial oil reserves in Equatorial Guinea, Dave decided to organize a private invasion. The poor, pathetic country offered no real resistance, and Dave took control. This invited immediate global condemnation including from the United States and the Soviet Union, but no one really cared about a loser country like Equatorial Guinea so the world did nothing.
Dave first instituted strong privacy and civil rights protections in the country, putting the population at ease. The country was then made a hub for the manufacture of labor-intensive parts needed in Drakkar Industri's ships while its vast oil reserves were developed. Dave then pursued Singapore's model of industrialization, accelerating the process by using the oil revenues to accelerate the rapid growth of the capital stock. During Dave's rule from 1979-2006, the country enjoyed the highest rate of growth in the world and went from a dirt poor African garbage country to an industrialized nation with a higher standard of living than the United States.
With parliamentary elections imminent and record high oil prices in 2006, Dave decided it was time to quit Equatorial Guinea. Contacting his friend Michael von Clausewitz, who successfully defended him against a war crimes tribunal in The Hague, Dave arranged for a sale of the country to PoFonMobil. This was decried by the African Union, but Dave dismissed this, "The African Union? What a joke!" The amount of this sale was not disclosed, but forensic accountants have estimated it as being in excess of $100 billion.
Eugenics ControversyHowever, Dave's rule was not without controversy. Tersely informing the press that, "African is poor because it is populated by Africans," Dave promptly had the "bottom" three-quarters of the population sterilized, with many paid to emigrate. This was attacked as a racist human rights violation, which Dave responded to with, "Everyone who disagrees with me is a pederastic terrorist." Dave was then protested by NAMBLA, who called his comments, "insensitive to pedophiles everywhere."
Whatever the morality of Dave's policies, they were a clear success. Equatorial Guinea is now one of the highest-IQ nations of the world, with an average IQ of 104. Dave credits this as essential in building Equatorial Guinea's high level of development. African-Pofoese scholar Okonkwo Diallo has claimed that the success of Equatorial Guinea does not prove that racialist theories have merit. Instead, the Professor argues, that Equatorial Guinea is proof that so-called inherent intelligence rises in proportion to the level of development, and that the high IQ in Equatorial Guinea reflects the high levels of industrialization, healthcare, and education. While expressing deep disgust for Dave's eugenic theories and colonial invasion, he has advocated that Dave's other policies be taken as a model for resource-rich African nations. He also pointed out that the mass sterilization, though despicable, had the effect of ending destructive overpopulation.
JomswarDave had long been uncomfortable with the repressive rule of Poforike's repressive CIA-backed regime. When the government ordered the confiscation of all privately-owned firearms and the imprisonment of all trade unionists, Dave and his unionized workforce had enough. Organizing his workers into a militia he called the Jomsvikings (after the legendary mercenary company), Dave launched a guerrilla war of resistance in 1983 centered in Poforike's far north, especially in his home state of Bifrǫst. Eventually he was able to procure heavy weaponry from South Africa by promising covert financial support of UNITA. In 1985 the Jomsvikings defeated government forces and Bifrǫst was proclaimed independent. Initially planning an invasion of the rest of Poforike, American Secretary of State George Schulz indicated that the United States would not accept such a move.
Governor of BifrǫstPursuing similar policies which were working so well in Equatorial Guinea, Dave propelled Bifrǫst from a relative backware to by the most modern region of Poforike. The mandatory savings plan provided a huge pool of funds to develop, and Bifrǫst features ultrafast motorways, high speed rail, 100% recycling, and the world's only operational thorium-based breeder reactor. The region, home to 3 million, is 60% wealthier than the rest of Poforike.
Despite the tremendous economic achievements, Dave's rule of Bifrǫst has been criticized by some. Ethnic minorities present at independence were offered cash to leave, and most did. Dave's eugenic policies have been attacked by human rights' groups, and his social conservative policies have been attacked by feminist and homosexual groups. Furthermore, the legalization and encouragement of drinking and driving has resulted in the American group MADD describing Dave as Doctor Death. In 2005 Dave invited the Jyllands' Posten Mohammed cartoonists to Bifrǫst, where he decorated them with the highest state honors of Bifrǫst, granted a ticker-tape parade, and proclaimed a public holiday. This resulted in the Islamic terrorist Mazhi bin Mazhallah Mazhein al Mazhada Mazhalli al Mazhilan Mazhen XXIXIXXIXXIXIXXXXIXI attempting to kill Dave by blowing up his house. Fortunately, no one was home.
In 2006 Bifrǫst rejoined Poforike under the Nordic Council Trusteeship, in preparation for the elections in 2009. The population is largely supportive of Dave's new party, the Pan-National League, and it is his largest base of support.
ÃsatrúIn 1975, Dave met Sveinbjörn Beinteinsson, the Icelandic founder of Ãslenska Ãsatrúarfélagið ("Icelandic fellowship of Æsir faith"). Beinteinsson convinced Dave that Christianity was a false, alien faith and that only the ancient Norse religion of the Æsir could deliver spiritual peace. Dave then founded the Poforikeska Ãsatrúarfélagið and promoted its activities. Today the faith claims about 4 million PoFoese as members, with the most heavy concentration in BifrÇ«st (where about half belong to the faith).
Many critics point out that the Poforikeska Ãsatrúarfélagið provides a convenient religious cover for Dave's polygamy, ethnocentrism, and barbaric advocacy of the right of conquest. Dave has called his critics effeminate and asked if they have hair growing over their eyes.
"Scholar"In 1987, Dave published the narrative history
The Jötunn are Restless: The Destruction of Utgard, a description of the great Christian-Pagan civil wars which raged across Poforike a thousand years ago. Backed by new archaeological research, including a spectacular finding of ancient runestones offshore recording skaldic poetry from the era, the book was internationally celebrated. It also helped contribute to a revival of Poforikeska nationalism and the Ãsatrú faith.
Building on this, Dave published an interdisciplinary work titled
Reassessing Nordicism in 1995. In this, Dave attempted to show that southern Scandinavia was the urheimat of all Indo-European peoples and languages. Dave demonstrated that the higher rates of resistance to immunosuppressive illnesses in Scandinavian populations, and greater disposition towards long-term planning, higher levels of endurance, and greater brain weights than other European populations meant that early 20th century Nordicism was neither inappropriate nor discredited. While Dave attempted to cast this as a resurrection of Darwin's own views, he was promptly branded a racist. During a trip to the United Kingdom, a minor international incident erupted when as a result of this work he was charged with "Inciting Racial Hatred". Dave cited diplomatic immunity and was released.
In preparation for the coming elections, Dave decided to collaborate with Charlie Marmalade to launch the nationalist newsletter
National Correspondence. More moderate than his own views (and leadership of Bifrǫst), this helped establish his political views nation-wide, expanding his support base beyond Bifrǫst, although it remained concentrated there. Unsurprisingly, this newsletter led to more whining from the usual suspects. In particular, the PCLU was outraged when Dave referred to recent immigrants as, "Smelly foreigners have poured the poison of disloyalty into the very arteries of our national life and should be processed into raw materials for export on the world market." Subsequent market research by Poforike's leading deodorant company somewhat validated Dave by finding that recent immigrants were in fact very smelly, about two standard deviations of smelliness to the right of Poforike's mean smelliness.
Pan-National LeagueBuilding on the success of
National Correspondence, and in preparation for the coming election, Dave launched the nationalist party known as the Pan-National League. The party stands for strict limits on immigration, high levels of merit for immigrants, and insistence on the cultural compatibility of immigrants. Racialism has been rejected as unnecessary and divisive by the party. Economically, the party stands for producerism. Dave has said that Poforike, though wealth, is underindustrialized and too unequal. The PNL proposes a rapid industrialization program to address both issues. The party is socially conservative.
Despite, or perhaps because of, Dave's controversial reputation, the party has proved very popular, even outside Bifrǫst. In the 2009 elections it captured more votes than any other right-wing party, and was tied for third largest party overall. This makes it the second most electorally successful nationalist party in the West, after Vlaams Belang. It appears that it many be the most successful in realizing its aims however, as other parties have noted the party's pragmatism and moderation. It seems highly likely that the party will join the governing coalition and play a prominent role. The left-wing Social Liberal Democrats, despite opposing nationalism, has said that there is great merit in the PNL's economic policies and that its immigration proposals are not unreasonable.
The party has not been without controversy. In particular, many commentators, particularly the ungrateful communists and anarchists whom Dave aided in toppling the dictatorial regime, accuse Dave of being an unreconstructed racist and the party as being a personality cult of Dave. Dave has challenged them to find anything racist in the platform, and has made it known that he is more than willing to step down as party leader if his reputation proves to be a problem. The communists have also accused the PNL of being a closet fascist party, noting the PNL's attempt to absorb the fascists. Dave charged that this was an outright lie, and that the PNL had refused any concessions to the fascists. Dave sparked bemused controversy at a conference at the foreign press club, where a reporter quizzed him about diversity. Dave answered, "Diversity? Sure we're diverse! We've got more women, Jews, Puerto Ricans, and foreigners supporting us than any other party! We've even got zipperheads voting for us!"
Arrest for DUI and Anti-Semitic OutburstShortly after the parliamentary elections, Dave was arrested from reckless driving and DUI. The Rävsborg Dagbladet reported,
Leader of the PNL arrested, spouts anti-semitism
Today, the PNL leader Dave was arrested on drunk driving charges in the county of South Sokath. Police on the scene report that his black BMW sports car, with license plate NORDCST was swerving dangerously along the busy New Yeddi turnpike when they pulled him over. Immediately belligerent, Dave exclaimed, "Don't you know who I am? I'm the mother****ing juggernaught!" The policemen on scene then asked him to step out of his car, to which Dave asked for the officer's identification. When the officer said his name Dave replied, "___? That's a typical jewbag name! Dave was released on bail and has denied repeated requests for comment.
Personal LifeDave is known as being a dandy, and wears bespoke clothing, particularly Savile Row suits. While some have charged that this means that Dave is not a man of the people, Dave has answered his critics by saying, "You think the guy in the $50,000 suit has to listen to you?" Dave also has a hobby of racing sports cars, and place 3rd in the Rolex 24 Hours of Daytona in 1998. He also set a transatlantic speed record for a sailplane.
Dave lives with six women who range in age from 16-28. He has 20 children, and is currently trying to raise all of them to be Olympic athletes. Asked how being a polygamist squares with his traditional morality, Dave responded, "I'm rich."